How to become
really famous
written by Dan Hirshon
1.) There’s always someone important in the audience, so always act famousable.
A month after moving to New York, I performed in the basement of a pizza place (where most people get famous). There were nine people in the audience and they were awesome.
After kicking ass and taking nine people’s names, I left the stage [dirty floor] and relaxed in the green room [a bar stool next to the stage]. From the shadows of the back corner, a gentleman resembling a serial killer approached, handed me his business card, and left. His card said, “New Talent” and listed three cities: Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles. Instead of having his name on the card, “Vincent” had his information printed on a sticker on the card.
2.) When opportunity knocks at your door, don’t ask, “Who’s There?” Just let anyone in.
I emailed Vincent that night. It’s nice to fall asleep knowing you’re going to be famous. The next morning I woke up and saw that I had a voicemail message from 7 in the morning. In the message Vincent sounded like he was falling asleep. “Daniel, um, this is Vincent. I, uh, saw you, uh, perform your skit at the comedy the other night and I, um, well liked what I saw. I think that you uh can be very famous and I would like my supervisor to take a look at you.”
After marinating his inspiring words with my desperate need for approval, I called him back.
“Danny,” Vincent said, “I don’t know how long you’ve been doing this, but let me explain how an agency works. If you’ve ever seen ‘Seinfeld’ or ‘Everybody Loves Raymond,’ those actors are actually all represented by someone. They didn’t just get those parts. They have an agent looking out for them. Are you interested in acting?”
The last time I acted was third grade in the leading role in “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,”. I was awesome, except the time I forgot my lines and Mrs. Richlie had to help me (“Your line is ‘HOWWWWLLL.’ You’re the wolf, remember?”).
“Well I think you’ve got what it takes,” said Vincent, “You’re going to be very famous one day,” which is a hacky way to ask for a blowjob, but I need the fame so I said, “Cool. Thanks.” I already sounded famous.
“I’d like you to meet my supervisor. Come in tomorrow at 5:30 pm. You can bring one person for moral support.” Moral support? I got paranoid. Am I going to be a part of a human museum? (I just saw the movie, “Hostel”) Should I bring a friend or a cop? I offered the opportunity to my friend so he could become famous too, but for some reason when I explained the situation he didn’t want to go.
3.) You may find yourself alone on The Road To Success. Don’t worry. That just means you can drive faster and take up both lanes.
I showed up at the office the next day and checked in with the secretary. Everything appeared normal. You could bring me into a torture chamber, but as long as the waiting room is OK then I’m sold. (“I heard they cut up bodies in the back room, but they had so many issues of ‘Highlights’ magazine on the waiting table that I stuck around.”)
The secretary said, “Go wait in the hall.”
“But I have an appointment for 5:30.”
“Go wait in the hall.”
While I waited, the hall filled with kids and their parents. Am I not as special as I thought? Was I the only person my age to fall for this?
15 minutes later they filed us into a room like we were immigrating to America in 1909. At some places, you need a headshot and acting reel, but here it was a passport and a typhoid vaccination.
After we filled out applications and sat for another 20 minutes, a woman who looked like a failed model and acted like a failed human being came in.
“In acting,” she says, “you need to spend money to make money. You need a website. You shouldn’t use MySpace because if someone knows your birthday they can hack onto your MySpace account and change all your information.”
The failed person continued, “We’re going to have one-on-one interviews with talent agents to see if you would be good for our website. Some of you will be asked to come back, some will not.”
4.) Knock ‘Em Dead At The Interview And Remember “Yes, We Can”
I was called into the office. Six chairs were stacked in the corner so I was forced to stand. A girl behind a computer ignored me for a minute. With 27 years of experience under my belt, I’ve become a natural at being ignored by women. Shifting about and staring at the office floor as if I was alone at a bar, I was in my element.
“What’s your name?” she asked.
“Dan.”
“And you want to be an actor?”
“Sure.” Convincing.
“On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you want to act?” Is this an audition or a Zagat review?
“8, I guess.”
“How much do you want to model?”
“Probably about a 4.” Even more convincing.
“I like your look,” she said.
Based on that?
“I want you to come back tomorrow morning. Do you have any really tight clothes?”
“Not really.”
“Do you have a sister or a girlfriend you could borrow clothes from?”
“No.”
“Alright, well go and buy some clothes tomorrow because we’re going to take photos.”
I should’ve said no and never come back. Part of me even thought they weren’t out to take advantage of me.
5.) Dress for success even if you look ridiculous
The next morning I visited Old Navy, bought a shirt I’d wear if I were starring in “Rent” and a pair of jeans that crushed my opportunity to continue the family name.
I showed up at the studio. There was only one other person there. Either I was among the elite few who made it to the final photo session…or I was an idiot. A half dressed girl who couldn’t look less amused with life lead me into her office.
6.) Knock ‘em dead at the second interview… “Yeah, I guess we probably can…”
I sat down. This interview was already going better than yesterday’s.
“OK, so tell me three reasons why you would be a good actor,” she says. Is this is how Marlon Brando got into the business?
“I’m hard working, persistent, and motivated.” I was reading the posters behind her.
She noted those responses and nodded.
“Give me three reasons why we should manage you,” she said.
I don’t think they should be managing anyone, but I repeat, “Well I’m hard working, persistent, and motivated.” Either this is an audition or I’m campaigning for high school Key Club secretary.
“OK, I like you and I think you’ll do well. Now we just have to set up your website and in order to do that we just need a down payment of $300.”
“Can’t you just sign me, get me famous, and then get me a website?”
“No.”
“Let me get back to you.”
7.) Never Say Never, Unless It’s Obvious You Really Messed Up
Some might say I missed my one opportunity to be the next Ray Romano or Seinfeld, but I believe if you remain hard working, persistent, and motivated and play enough pizza place basements you’ll catch your break one day.
In the meantime, check me out on MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Friendster, Linkedln, Doostang, Digg, Reddit, You Tube, Atom… and other websites.
Dan Hirshon is a comedian from New York.
Visit DanHirshon.com.