Revenge of the Drama Nerd
written by Sarah Blodgett
Every spring, as I wander through the malls, I am bombarded by satin and sequins. It is a reminder that prom season has begun, and it brings me back to my prom days. I never had a date in high school, but it wasn’t because I never tried.
The irony of my life is that, when people look at me now, they see me as the popular blonde high school cheerleader that was mean to them. In fact, I was actually the awkward, overweight brunette who ate my lunch in the bathroom, because no one would sit with me.
I was, in fact, average. Everything about me was average. My hair was a mousy brown, and my body was a lump of clay that I covered in baggy flannel clothing. In my defense, it was the 90s and the grunge look was totally the thing, so everyone looked like a lump of flannel clay. Even my name, Sarah, was in the top five most common names on the planet.
I tried desperately to stand out. I painted my fingernails in a different color on each finger, and I experimented with red lipstick long before Gwen Stefani made it cool. I wore crazy Spice Girl shoes, pre-Spice Girls. Really, I was ahead of my time. I even joined the Drama Club (for the guys), but in my school, you were no one if you did not play a sport. I was no one.
I, like most overweight, unpopular drama nerds had a crush on the star football player, Mr. Wonderful. I also, like most overweight, unpopular drama nerds, ate my feelings of loneliness and desperation. It was a great training ground for a future in stand-up comedy.
When it came time to find a date for the junior prom, I assumed, like all other school dances, I would go without. I went to my Sophomore Semi-Formal with a group of drama nerds that also didn’t have dates, and I stayed home every year during my school’s Christmas Ball. Luckily, there were many Christmas cookies and candies around to distract myself.
Mr. Wonderful had never even looked in my direction… or had he?
My best guy friend and fellow drama nerd, Jeff, sat behind Mr. Wonderful in History class. After class one day, Jeff grabbed me in the hallway and almost made me drop my Beauty and the Beast lunch box that I carried as a purse. Lunch box purses were cool in the drama club, trust me.
“He likes you,” Jeff said excitedly. “He was talking to Brad and I heard him say ‘Sarah is so cute’.”
Could it be true? Mr. Wonderful had noticed me. I mean, we had never even spoken.
“You have to ask him to the prom,” Jeff ordered me.
I wasn’t sure. Even at 16, I was a very old fashioned girl and I have always felt that the guy should do the asking. Jeff, of course, told the whole drama club, who all proceeded to pressure me into asking Mr. Wonderful to the prom. I mean, maybe he was shy. Maybe inside that masculine physique, he was really intimidated by such a curvy woman. So I gave in to peer pressure for the first time in my life, and, at 16 years old, I became a modern woman.
After school one day, I found Mr. Wonderful and clumsily spit out, “I was, um, wondering if you would like to, um, go to the prom with me, or something….”
Insert long uncomfortable pause.
“Well,” he said, looking at the floor for what seemed like forever. “I actually wanted to ask someone else. Sorry.”
The tears started welling up in my eyes and I ran to my mom’s car that was waiting in the school parking lot. I jumped in the car and yelled, “Drive!”
That night, I turned to the man in my life that I knew would never let me down: Papa Gino. My time as a modern woman was officially over. I would forever drown my tears in grease and cheese. Melted cheese had never let me down, and it made me happier than any man ever could. Looking back, even now, I challenge any man to come between me and my deep-dish.
The next day the buzz was all over school. Mr. Wonderful asked Sarah to the prom. Yes, he asked the OTHER Sarah in our class (damn my common name). She was the Sarah of Mr. Wonderful’s dreams, and I was left with egg on my face… well pizza, but you get the idea.
So many years have gone by since that day. Since then, I have lost 60 lbs. and discovered hair bleach. Some even call me a Blonde Bombshell. And through the years, many other, better men have come through my life. I’ve broke some hearts, and even more have broken my heart. But one thing I know is that I have come a long way from that awkward, overweight brunette I was in high school.
As for Mr. Wonderful… I hear he’s gotten fat.
Sarah Blodgett is a comedian from Boston.
Visit myspace.com/sarahcomedy.